My mind has been filled with a lot of stuff lately. I had to move out of my apartment because things did not go as planned. My apartment served as my studio space. I have been there for two years and I am feeling a sense of homesickness while I sit in the basement of my grandmother’s house.
I also feel a sense of failure but such is life. All of my favorite people went through some hardship before they became successful. I guess I wanted to become successful without the hardship. This is what I mean by things not going as planned. But, the important part is not to give up. It sounds so cliché when you are actually experiencing it. This is whack.
I guess I should look at the positive things. I have accomplished a lot in a short period of time.
I am in the middle of a really big city project that came just a little too late. Or maybe it came at the right time. Not sure.
The city project is providing a big paycheck for me. The biggest of my career. Paychecks like these makes me realize that I am in the right business. One and a half weeks of work is a quarter of what my salary as a full-time web developer.
This means that if I get three more projects like this one I would have made my annual web developer salary with one month of photography work.
Just on the 30% shoot deposit alone, I was able to pay bills, pay back loans, and buy a new camera with money to spare. I am fantasizing about what I am going to do with the remaining money. First thing is to buy a car because it is impossible to travel without one in the County. Next thing I’m going to do is go on a long trip. Just me and my camera. Not sure where I am going.
The paycheck does not fill the void of losing my place though. I needed to clear my mind. I stumbled on a YouTube video of Alan Watts. Watts was a philosopher who lived not too long ago. I think he is dead now. Watts believed in meditation which is a Buddhist concept. He argues that we need to rest our minds in the same way that our bodies need rest.
My thoughts are like party guests that don’t know when to leave my head. And when they finally do leave a new group of thoughts rush in and head straight to the dance floor.
I try to meditate all of the time but I get really bored. I often fall asleep like old man Jenkins.
Today, I accidentally discovered that I could trick myself into mediation through drawing and writing.
I lost myself in my iPad drawing app. I started out writing random words that described how I was feeling then I moved to other things. The last thing I drew was a sunset scene which happened to be up on my computer monitor for some reason. This is the result of having too many web browser tabs open at once.
When I finally snapped out of the drawing trance I Googled “Meditation through drawing.” And there it was! Millions of search results discussing meditation through drawing.
The key is to draw without any thought. Just let it all flow. I think this works best on my iPad because I have to draw with my fingers. The act of holding a pen takes a lot of thought. It’s like my brain goes into draw mode when I hold a pen or pencil. This is not good because the whole idea of meditation is to turn off your brain for a little bit.
I feel a lot better.